A divorce from my 'on target' mentality & Monday as the second Sunday
confessions and realignments
Welcome to the Life Is In Love With Me newsletter if you’re new. If you’re a regular recipient of these reminders of love, welcome back! 🌹🥭🌹🥭🌹🥭
Meeting you on a Sunday today because I’d love to share with you before Monday arrives. I think of this essay as an interrogation of my softness and attitudes towards labour as a whole. Today we’re unlearning the scam of earning your rest and we’re doing it on company time. Enjoy x
I don’t think I’ve ever been a good employee. Distance has allowed me to see that freedom is not always the friend of high-target environments. I’ve created a softer, freer existence for myself to skirt around the fact that I am quite difficult to manage. I will not hustle hard for a company I consider greedy and I am not excited by unpaid overtime to impress and keep the company of a manager. I prefer joy. I’m not boasting in being a useless team member. I’m admiring that I am, and have always been, inclined to completely disappoint the culture of hyper-productivity when it comes to the corporate world.
I recently noticed that while I had fostered an immunity for hyper-productivity in spaces and positions that were neither in purpose nor deeply respecting of my presence, I had the new challenge of navigating and naming hyper-productive mentalities in my self-employed lifestyle. I gravitate to freelancing and contracting for this reason: I am responsible for managing my own time, which is more precious to me than the stability and tradition of being an employee. Even still, even while island hopping and surrounded by sea, the goal-oriented language, forcefulness of success, and disregard for my cyclical nature as a woman1 has all shown up for me while transitioning to self-employment. I’ve become my own manager by subconsciously copying examples of past managerial behaviours which were everything but accommodating to ease, which now sits at the centre of my being here.2
I transitioned my career from marketing manager to a work-from-anywhere freelance writer and TEFL teacher while learning the ropes of nomadism. This means that I’ve created, from my own imagination and risk-taking, a life that is, in some ways, a previous daydream (give thanks). It means too, that I am dwelling here where I envisioned myself with some lingering habits and frameworks from the spaces I intentionally removed myself. Some embarrassing truths: I’ve become quite bad at feeding myself on time (why must I wait until I’m ready to faint?) and I’ve even found myself trying to finish by 5/6 pm when there is no evening traffic to beat, no manager watching my online hours, just me and these old arbitrary requirements. The past life has snuck into this one and I didn’t know how to accept that.
More embarrassment: I’ve been fortunate enough to travel through some of the richest lands on this Earth. I mean rich in terms of biodiversity, rich in spirit, in passed-down knowledge, and in kindness. I have made friends who take me to the forest in Chiapas’ treasured golden hour and who wake up at 4 am to go hiking up mountains to watch the sun’s glorious rise together. Along the way, I’ve had days where I am stressed by my own doing, for work that really didn’t require my full energy the way I imagined. Deadlines that were softer than I was used to. I’d make myself stay up to finish work that could probably be submitted in the morning when I am a better writer anyway. I was functioning with my old worker mentalities while I had already freed myself from those heavily target-influenced conditions.
The other day, I had planned to meet a friend to go swimming (the ocean is my third place if you can’t tell). It was Friday and I had given myself a list of things to do first. I messaged her what I was doing and how long I’d be. Won’t be long girl! How is your day going?? I messaged. She said it was cool and answered, I’m resting girl, get you some! (she is from Harlem). I suppose because I now enjoy what I do for a living, ease is assumed and pressure is silently co-creating my workload.
I am becoming the softest woman I know. I live and travel slowly, I walk slower, slow enough to notice, I live from the pull of my gut, not haste, and yet I work like I live with my manager. I have had to come to terms with the fact that while my life does consist of due dates and contracts, it also consists of grace. I can give myself grace to not rush, myself or the person preparing the meal that I will wait for before I return to my desk. Grace to plan for things to take longer, grace to be realistic and kind to my body that isn’t actually designed to sit behind a screen. Most importantly, the grace and compassion to accept that maybe my capacity for labour has to shift as my reality has. I’m in the Caribbean now, I have to accommodate that this isn’t London. There are heatwaves, blackouts sometimes, which may interrupt my workflow but not my entire day. I could really just go to the beach when that is what I feel is going to be helpful to me, the person, not the worker.
Being freelance is not for the weak, but it is also not for those who crave permission. You have to give that to yourself and believe that your permission is valid. My mentality of being ‘on target’ doesn’t align neatly with my insistence on being well-rested and listened to, especially by myself. Forcing myself out of a state of ease for the sake of ‘getting it done’ and temporary accomplishment no longer needs to be my default. Does it ever sit right that we’d sacrifice or diminish our peace and personal rituals for a job, no matter how much we enjoy it?
(As I write this, I’m reminded of the time when I worked in a fashion store as a student and come Saturday morning wanted nothing more than to run a bath and soak. No more than 10 minutes into my bath I hear my phone ringing. I just knew it was work, I ignored it of course. I then received a second and maybe a third call immediately after. I had to step out of the bath making that very defining ‘whoosh’ as I carefully tip-toed out. That is the type of ‘whoosh’ that is only supposed to happen once and is followed by the sound of the plug’s removal and the water dramatically draining. I got back in the bath to take the call, annoyed at this disruption and what this potentially meant for my Saturday. It turned out I had a shift that actually began 5 minutes ago. (I’d apparently misread the updated schedule). Have you ever stepped out of a steaming, lavender-scented bath to catch a train that will leave in 20 minutes? It is hell.)
One thing that I believe, whether freelance, in office, night-shift or otherwise, is that we deserve to be guardian to our off time. It’s only fair that we let ourselves be idle, completely off target, and divorced from timed breaks. You return when your body is able. You are not going to ‘maximise time’ that is meant for doing nothing. You are going to accept your humanity, reject the mechanic productivity, however you are able.
I’ve taken lunch breaks at waterfalls and been able to travel without asking permission to do so. And yet I have more to shed. I still see space to allow myself to take more rest out of my day and working week. This is where I convince you that Monday’s true purpose is for painting your nails and missing calls because you cannot reach the phone from the hammock (or the bathtub).
Mondays are not designed for meetings because Mondays belong to the moon. I’m thankful to
, who writes lookinthemirah, for this reminder as a freelancer honouring her boundaries and the energy of the day. “I believe our bodies correlate with the planets, hence why many people have a hard time working on Mondays, the day of the week that the Moon rules” explains Amirah, perfectly.
I treat Monday as the second Sunday so that I can better enjoy and not dread its arrival. My case for Monday as the second Sunday is this; life is to be savoured, to be slow when it wants to be. It can be done tomorrow, is what I will say before over-extending myself. I allow Mondays to be makeshift and intuitive, and this allows me to transition into the kind of person who sees space for rest and takes it, just because it is there.
Truthfully, this pattern of choosing the flow of my week has spilled into Friday. It’s been quite confronting. Having this freedom to rejig my week has opened my eyes to the many ways that productivity was still silently running things.
Only just recently, I was laid out on the bed, exhausted by a day of ticking off all the things from my Friday to-do list. It was also Friday sundown and so the sabbath for me, which means an invitation to divine rest in ways that are bigger than my job. I was depleted even if ‘successful’ and I received the message that my Fridays weren’t supposed to look like this. I sat with it some more and eventually heard, What if you didn’t work on Fridays at all? I sat up and actually cackled out loud. How could I forfeit an entire day of work? This is when I noticed, I was still hovering over myself as an imaginary manager, urging myself to end the week strong.
This is why this essay, which I imagined would go out on a Friday and fit in with the Friday unwind series, is reaching you on a Sunday. I chose to honour Friday’s rest and I’m glad for it. I’m not suggesting that everyone needs to quit their jobs, work for 3.5 days of the week, or take on freelance work. It’s not for everyone. I also recognise the privilege of this choice. I do think that there is a way for Monday to become a safe space for entering the week for all. It can be a continuation of the ease that we’ve all seemed to assign to Sunday. I see Friday (ruled by pleasure loving Venus) as an entryway for an intentionally rejuvenating weekend, because perhaps we live in a world that makes rest shameful. In this case wouldn’t it be kind to give ourselves time to shed that shame before the rest can begin?
There may be times of the day when it just makes sense for you to be away from your screen if you have the privilege of that choice. You may not need to have lunch at the times that you are told are lunchtime hours, your body may know otherwise. You may wish to work on Monday, but only at half your capacity as I now do. You may wish to escape from the noise of your inbox by saving it as the last thing you do after a truly slow morning of giving to yourself. Offsetting the intensity of Monday comes down to redefining it. There is no need to survive Monday if you have created rituals to indulge in its ease.
A prompt, for Monday
How do you feel about an ease-filled Monday? Consider what encourages or disempowers this reality. Speak to it.
A resource that I recommend for interrogating your softness and approach to rest is Tricia Hersey’s Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto. If you’ve read this book or any other resources, please comment below!
Thank you, so much, for being here. I appreciate your presence and the exchanges we have here; I invite you to share your experience below. I adored reading messages, emails, and comments in response to last week’s post on the infantilization of kind people. I’m a better pen pal than I am an employee so please, reach out if you have comments and thoughts to share! x
Extending thanks to my latest paid subscriber, Yanique who writes The Hearth newsletter. Your support is received with love! For a while, I’ve reduced annual paid subscriptions to $48.88 (from $88). I am preparing to show up with my paid readers in a new way and in the meantime I’d love to grow and increase the paid support for this space. Paid readers receive 111 daily affirmations and a travel backstory upon subscription.
Please also continue to educate yourself on how to remain heart-centered in a world where governments are normalising war, genocide, and oppression in Tigray, Gaza, Sudan, Congo, and beyond. Here is an article that helped me to this effort.
Below I share some more writings that I hope you will enjoy.
An Origin Story: Food Poisoning In Mexico Turned Me Nomadic
Pisces season and the overstimulated artist, a remedy
The infantilization of kind people
A story about quitting my job to write
Musings on Black nomadism (pt 1)
The Friday unwind 004: When there is nothing to become
Love,
Amara Amaryah
Consider a world where you don’t need to work while menstruating, for instance. Or adjusting your workload according to your cycle in general, for hormone health and just acknowledging ways that the working day is biased towards men.
I’ve gradually moved toward conditions that I consider easeful but I do want to say that my position just before travelling was a WFH job that I liked (didn’t hate) but couldn’t continue in the next phase of my life, just FYI. I feel like I started to define ease and attract positions that were more in alignment when I started to give language to my vision.
I am receiving your words so deeply. Last week I bled and in my heart of hearts, the only thing I want is to bleed in peace. (Thankfully it overlapped with a four day long weekend which was a blessing) I have no interest in working or productivity when my body is on her moon.
Two weeks ago I gave my notice at the non profit where I've worked for four years. My rhythms do not align with a 40 hour work week. I am a woman who has a 28 day cycle. I am not meant to produce like a man. And millions of women have been forced to. So there are two short weeks left until I begin a gentler pace. It's unclear exactly how I'll fill my days and that's okay. I'm trusting the process.
Mmm another authentic piece from theee Amara! It’s always interesting to deep dive into what voices are swirling around in our heads that are still guiding us ie. Our past managers. I think it’s a lifelong effort to assess and address narratives that aren’t our own so no need to feel embarrassed! I personally try to stay home with my beanie baby on Mondays every week so we can ease into our week. I do light housework to reset from the weekend and light cooking. It’s nice to be home on a Monday! Tues-Thurs are my busiest days. So I’m in full support!