Amara, I loved this! Thank you so much for writing it. I could so resonate with your experience (I look younger too, but I’m 43!) and the way people react to my kind nature, as if it’s a deficiency more than a virtue, like, “poor girl, she’s not enough of a survivor to know she shouldn’t be so kind”. Actually, I AM a survivor, but I’d rather reflect the world I want to create rather than this capitalistic shit hole. I’m just getting so excited after reading your essay! You put into words things I’ve been feeling for a long time, but would never have been able to articulate or connect the dots. Indeed, the childishness of kindness is meant to discredit us. I teach in an all boys high school in Pakistan, and my mission (I realize now) is to teach them to be kind and have values in a world that doesn’t itself value these attributes, but my hope is this effort will lead, long term, to creating a more beautiful world for everyone. I’m so grateful I came across your essay!❤️
Nida, you are inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I feel honoured to have been gifted the words to give language to how we feel, but you have put it into practice so beautifully.
Ooo! Yes I love this can we talk about it!! I so relate people still ask me if i’m 18 especially when I get excited about meeting a new person. When that voice raises just a little to high, those eyes widen just a bit too big and that smile shows just a little to much teeth I realize I quickly get made to feel dumb and childish… it’s sad. I’ve tried to work on being firmer and less happy right away with people to avoid being judged or taken advantages of but thank you for writing this. Thank you for reminding us that kindness is worth holding on to.
Yes, a thousand times. I feel so grateful to see that this is a shared experience and that we're giving ourselves space and permission to choose kindness still. A friend recently said something to me that has stuck, she said 'you have to give someone permission to take advantage of you' and this is something I keep in mind as I disempower any word or anyone that tries to make my kindness a weakness. Thanks for your plentiful offerings in the comment section (as always!!!)
This world is not kind to genuinely kind people and it's one of the million things that breaks my heart about life. It sucks that kindness is not always a valued or respected trait and you're right that the kindest of folks are usually the ones who receive this treatment. I'm glad you haven't let the world take your kindness from you, we need to keep our kind ones.
I have had people take kindness for weakness before, try to make one feel indeed childish or otherwise immature. Though people tend to misjudge me. Kindness and vulnerability are no weakness. With me for instance, I consciously let myself be kind and vulnerable. Sometimes people assume this means I am an easy target to take advantage of. Till I decide to no longer be as kind, and show them my other side. I am like a dove with talons.
I have been through hell myself, so I show kindness when I can. It is the least I can do to make this world a little better. To extend my hand to those who are having it rough. And as I have myself not experienced much kindness in my life myself, I really also want to make anyone who extends it towards me feel deeply appreciated, as I know how much of a gift it is. It is often looked down upon, or taken for granted. Which is a real shame.
Yet I want to add that I am not happy with the way things are in society, how kindness, and those struggling or marginalised are treated. How it has become this survival race, without empathy. A gladiator arena of sorts. It is mostly why I have done a lot of work to figure out the psychological underpinnings of this. Both individually and culturally. The grander patterns at play that drive this behaviour. To put an end to it. In whatever small way I can. Especially working from the foundation Sylvia Brinton Perera has laid with her work. The critical points that keep this entire thing going as it does. I call it Project Wind-Horse. I have been working on it the past three years. To tackle it at the most fundamental and foundational level at human behaviour and psychology itself.
Also - thanks for sharing your own advancements with this topic. I am so interested in learning more, feel free to share anything to follow up on, if possible :)
Thanks for offering this so plentifully. There is so much to think about here. The survival race is real, I'm reminded today even to opt-out, in any small way as you suggest. I'm deeply thankful for this comment!!!
Excellent piece - really made me think about the reactions I’ve experienced when I’ve practiced radical kindness. Thank you for making this article a free one 😊
Thank you so much for this comment, I am so glad it could offer you some thought. And yes, all of my essays will remain free, I want these conversations to be reachable and to exist for as many of us as possible❤️
Amara, it's refreshing to see someone embrace kindness and not shy away from it despite the pressures to toughen up. Being kind is powerful. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts 🌸
Living in a highly individualistic and ruthlessly capitalistic society that rewards sociopathic and psychopathic behavior is also a major reason why kindness and innocence at a certain age is discouraged. As I’ve gotten older I’ve approached new people with a reserved excitement while also reminding myself to give people time to reveal themselves to me so that I can decide for myself their place in my life
I recognize these judgments well. The long term payoff of kindness (in the actual survival mode context) outweighs the ‘0 fucks’ approach ten fold. If only Allison could’ve understood short term gain vs long term gain.
I especially liked reflecting on your call for returning to childlike kindness. Kindness deserves all the resistance 😃
Amara, I can tell this piece is deeply from the heart. Thank you for sharing this here. As something I was never able to explain, you formed the words and dig deep into the soil with this one. Thank you for the reminder to choose to be kind anyway.
This warms my heart, I'm glad that my sharing has given some language to it. It's also beautiful to see how many of us resonate with it too. Thanks for being here!
What a great read, Amara! The title totally struck a chord. More as it relates to happiness, though. I don’t necessarily consider myself to be terribly kind but I smile and laugh a lot with people. At any and everything. I just have a very broad sense of humor I guess and that - in addition to my looks - makes me appear light years younger than I am. I don’t mind people underestimating me, I just find it curious. The carefree expression of happiness somehow isn’t for adults? Thanks for sharing this! Hadn’t seen this phenomenon verbalized this way yet.
I adore this comment. The 'carefree expression of happiness somehow isn't for adults' really resonated. Yes. Glad to be in community with others who are stubbornly maintaining these aspects of adulthood. Also I agree, I think kindness, positivity, optimism, happiness, sometimes even easefulness all have a part to play in this conversation of infantilised mindsets and life choices.
I was told by my family I would become a conservative voter once I grew up and got a house and married. It is like they assumed being liberal in my views would change as I became an adult.
This essay reminded of that. I am often infantilised by them and others in business for being Buddhist and liberal and having multi-coloured hair.
None of these things are of the real hard knocks of adult life it seems. I find that the oddest way of thinking and this has essay has helped me clarify what might just be going on. Thankyou.
Exactly this, it really is the oddest way of thinking. Give thanks for the clarity. I really feel like this experience is such a delicate one, I'm so grateful to have found others who understand it. Thank you, so much, for sharing here.
I love reading an article that sheds light on a new perspective! And one which I experience often. It's always 'oh you didn't, have to do that for them you know' or 'what do you get out of it?' Sometimes it is just giving back because of the times that people have been kind to me. Or sometimes like you said, it can be because I simply don't care enough - let people be!
Thank you for this, i deal with infantilisation based on a lot of what you have talked about here and I'm also 5ft and petite with ADHD. this has hurt me in the past and I'm still learning to really embrace it without trying to change myself over it. ❤️
So glad this reached you, Laurel. I am overjoyed that we're finding ways to embrace our full selves and that we are in community and doing it together <3
Amara, I loved this! Thank you so much for writing it. I could so resonate with your experience (I look younger too, but I’m 43!) and the way people react to my kind nature, as if it’s a deficiency more than a virtue, like, “poor girl, she’s not enough of a survivor to know she shouldn’t be so kind”. Actually, I AM a survivor, but I’d rather reflect the world I want to create rather than this capitalistic shit hole. I’m just getting so excited after reading your essay! You put into words things I’ve been feeling for a long time, but would never have been able to articulate or connect the dots. Indeed, the childishness of kindness is meant to discredit us. I teach in an all boys high school in Pakistan, and my mission (I realize now) is to teach them to be kind and have values in a world that doesn’t itself value these attributes, but my hope is this effort will lead, long term, to creating a more beautiful world for everyone. I’m so grateful I came across your essay!❤️
Nida, you are inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I feel honoured to have been gifted the words to give language to how we feel, but you have put it into practice so beautifully.
Ooo! Yes I love this can we talk about it!! I so relate people still ask me if i’m 18 especially when I get excited about meeting a new person. When that voice raises just a little to high, those eyes widen just a bit too big and that smile shows just a little to much teeth I realize I quickly get made to feel dumb and childish… it’s sad. I’ve tried to work on being firmer and less happy right away with people to avoid being judged or taken advantages of but thank you for writing this. Thank you for reminding us that kindness is worth holding on to.
Yes, a thousand times. I feel so grateful to see that this is a shared experience and that we're giving ourselves space and permission to choose kindness still. A friend recently said something to me that has stuck, she said 'you have to give someone permission to take advantage of you' and this is something I keep in mind as I disempower any word or anyone that tries to make my kindness a weakness. Thanks for your plentiful offerings in the comment section (as always!!!)
This world is not kind to genuinely kind people and it's one of the million things that breaks my heart about life. It sucks that kindness is not always a valued or respected trait and you're right that the kindest of folks are usually the ones who receive this treatment. I'm glad you haven't let the world take your kindness from you, we need to keep our kind ones.
thank you so much Ashleigh, glad this resonated with you and your observations too
I have had people take kindness for weakness before, try to make one feel indeed childish or otherwise immature. Though people tend to misjudge me. Kindness and vulnerability are no weakness. With me for instance, I consciously let myself be kind and vulnerable. Sometimes people assume this means I am an easy target to take advantage of. Till I decide to no longer be as kind, and show them my other side. I am like a dove with talons.
I have been through hell myself, so I show kindness when I can. It is the least I can do to make this world a little better. To extend my hand to those who are having it rough. And as I have myself not experienced much kindness in my life myself, I really also want to make anyone who extends it towards me feel deeply appreciated, as I know how much of a gift it is. It is often looked down upon, or taken for granted. Which is a real shame.
Yet I want to add that I am not happy with the way things are in society, how kindness, and those struggling or marginalised are treated. How it has become this survival race, without empathy. A gladiator arena of sorts. It is mostly why I have done a lot of work to figure out the psychological underpinnings of this. Both individually and culturally. The grander patterns at play that drive this behaviour. To put an end to it. In whatever small way I can. Especially working from the foundation Sylvia Brinton Perera has laid with her work. The critical points that keep this entire thing going as it does. I call it Project Wind-Horse. I have been working on it the past three years. To tackle it at the most fundamental and foundational level at human behaviour and psychology itself.
Also - thanks for sharing your own advancements with this topic. I am so interested in learning more, feel free to share anything to follow up on, if possible :)
Thanks for offering this so plentifully. There is so much to think about here. The survival race is real, I'm reminded today even to opt-out, in any small way as you suggest. I'm deeply thankful for this comment!!!
Also. No problem. This is really just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more I could say.
I am actually just about to record the video for Project Wind-horse. I can share it with you in DM if you want.
This is beautifully expressed. Thank you for sharing with us
Appreciate it, thank you for being here Nova
Excellent piece - really made me think about the reactions I’ve experienced when I’ve practiced radical kindness. Thank you for making this article a free one 😊
Thank you so much for this comment, I am so glad it could offer you some thought. And yes, all of my essays will remain free, I want these conversations to be reachable and to exist for as many of us as possible❤️
Amara, it's refreshing to see someone embrace kindness and not shy away from it despite the pressures to toughen up. Being kind is powerful. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts 🌸
Thank you for being here, Mohika. Kind despite the pressures is the goal!
Living in a highly individualistic and ruthlessly capitalistic society that rewards sociopathic and psychopathic behavior is also a major reason why kindness and innocence at a certain age is discouraged. As I’ve gotten older I’ve approached new people with a reserved excitement while also reminding myself to give people time to reveal themselves to me so that I can decide for myself their place in my life
I appreciate this response, I think your approach is wise. Thanks for sharing!
I recognize these judgments well. The long term payoff of kindness (in the actual survival mode context) outweighs the ‘0 fucks’ approach ten fold. If only Allison could’ve understood short term gain vs long term gain.
I especially liked reflecting on your call for returning to childlike kindness. Kindness deserves all the resistance 😃
The connection to this is how we meet God landed for me. Thank you, Amara.
I'm so glad, thanks for being here!
Amara, I can tell this piece is deeply from the heart. Thank you for sharing this here. As something I was never able to explain, you formed the words and dig deep into the soil with this one. Thank you for the reminder to choose to be kind anyway.
This warms my heart, I'm glad that my sharing has given some language to it. It's also beautiful to see how many of us resonate with it too. Thanks for being here!
What a great read, Amara! The title totally struck a chord. More as it relates to happiness, though. I don’t necessarily consider myself to be terribly kind but I smile and laugh a lot with people. At any and everything. I just have a very broad sense of humor I guess and that - in addition to my looks - makes me appear light years younger than I am. I don’t mind people underestimating me, I just find it curious. The carefree expression of happiness somehow isn’t for adults? Thanks for sharing this! Hadn’t seen this phenomenon verbalized this way yet.
I adore this comment. The 'carefree expression of happiness somehow isn't for adults' really resonated. Yes. Glad to be in community with others who are stubbornly maintaining these aspects of adulthood. Also I agree, I think kindness, positivity, optimism, happiness, sometimes even easefulness all have a part to play in this conversation of infantilised mindsets and life choices.
I was told by my family I would become a conservative voter once I grew up and got a house and married. It is like they assumed being liberal in my views would change as I became an adult.
This essay reminded of that. I am often infantilised by them and others in business for being Buddhist and liberal and having multi-coloured hair.
None of these things are of the real hard knocks of adult life it seems. I find that the oddest way of thinking and this has essay has helped me clarify what might just be going on. Thankyou.
Exactly this, it really is the oddest way of thinking. Give thanks for the clarity. I really feel like this experience is such a delicate one, I'm so grateful to have found others who understand it. Thank you, so much, for sharing here.
I love reading an article that sheds light on a new perspective! And one which I experience often. It's always 'oh you didn't, have to do that for them you know' or 'what do you get out of it?' Sometimes it is just giving back because of the times that people have been kind to me. Or sometimes like you said, it can be because I simply don't care enough - let people be!
Felt! Everything you said here is truth. Thanks for being here and affirming these words
Exquisitely written
thank you so much!
Thank you for this, i deal with infantilisation based on a lot of what you have talked about here and I'm also 5ft and petite with ADHD. this has hurt me in the past and I'm still learning to really embrace it without trying to change myself over it. ❤️
So glad this reached you, Laurel. I am overjoyed that we're finding ways to embrace our full selves and that we are in community and doing it together <3